I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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