Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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