Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
