This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
