But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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