Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
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How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful