So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.