Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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