i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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