I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
operation harelip BJ is a go
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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