I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
