Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
