i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
