you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
