Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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