i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
