I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
