the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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