she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
