I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Shame is for Republicans.
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