It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
