When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
