I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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