Will you blow on my dice?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
