the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
