im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
