im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
