Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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