Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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