lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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