laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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