Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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