he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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