i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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