the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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