We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
