Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
