Just cropdusted the office
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
