there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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