I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
