My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
