remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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