my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
im on a boat
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