How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
