Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
