you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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