Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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