Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
