Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
