I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
