I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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