I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
