if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
