I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
