My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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