I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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