Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
