Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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