Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
