I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
