Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
