Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
